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New Coffee Threat

New York, March 31-- Several years ago, North Americans became aware of a dangerous phenomenon that was headed their way from Africa via South America: Africanized Killer Bees. Today, they must begin to brace themselves for a new assault, and again the threat comes—ultimately—from Africa. This time the danger is less obvious than a swarm of angry bees, but it is no less deadly.

It is from Africanized Killer Beans.

For some time, coffee industry insiders have noticed an inexplicable change in some of the beans grown in Africa. At first, it was not seen as a problem, but as little more than a curiosity. However, in the last few months, darker suspicions have begun to brew. Coffee beans, from some of the most prestigious regions—richly-flavored Arabica beans, normally lower in caffeine than the cheaper Robusta beans—have shown marked increases in their caffeine content. “Marked” is an industry euphemism for “extreme;” these beans contain 17.5 to 36.4 times more— times more, not percent more—caffeine than the coffee to which we’ve become accustomed.

A single cup of coffee brewed from these beans could deliver a week’s dose of caffeine to an unsuspecting drinker. Medical professionals, from local hospitals to Atlanta’s Center for Disease Control are bracing themselves for an epidemic of caffeine-induced cardiovascular disease, tachycardia, insomnia, logorrhea and loss of fine motor skills.

Scientists hypothesize that effluent from the Gummite (a mixture of hydrated oxides of uranium) mines in the Republic of Congo must have percolated into the water supply that irrigates Congo’s coffee plantations. As a result, spontaneous mutations in the Coffea robusta genome has led, not only to the current surge in caffeine production but, to pollen that is extremely vigorous. One jittery researcher, who refused to allow us to publish his name, described this pollen as, “like pollen on steroids—except that it is hardly impotent.” He said that wind-borne pollen has reached distant coffee plantations and is so vigorous that C. robusta freely hybridizes with C. Arabica in Kenya, Uganda and Zaire, even as far east as Yemen, and Ethiopia—where the highly-prized Harrar and Yergacheff beans are grown.

The fact that even the expensive C. Arabica varieties are affected is especially troubling to researchers. The popularity of coffee bars in the US, along with increased consumption of expensive varietals (whose price might lead consumers into a false sense of security) suggests unusual risk levels.

Environmental problems of developing countries have been easily dismissed (at least by up-scale American consumers) in the past. This time, however, those most likely to be affected are people like ourselves, people with enough disposable income to routinely drink coffee that costs three to five dollars per serving. Especially worrisome to epidemiologists is the popularity of large-sized servings and flavored coffees. Flavored coffees and lattes pose special risks, as they may mask the bitterness that might warn consumers of the presence of dangerous mega-doses of caffeine.

The World Health Organization’s Nutrition Unit (WHO NU) is privately urging restraint on the shipment of these killer beans. They hinted that efforts may have been made to prevent information about the problem from filtering down to the public (which may explain why the news of killer beans has not become common knowledge, and may provide grounds for future legal actions). United Nations Secretary General Koffi Annan, emerging bleary-eyed after series of all-night sessions, begged African exporters to ship only roasted beans (which cannot germinate) to slow the spread of the mutant coffee plants to unaffected areas. “We must not, at all costs, allow panic to brew in minds of consumers,” he said. “It’s only natural to be nervous about this, but panic will only exacerbate the medical problems caused by the killer beans.” He continued to speak, for several hours, mentioning coffee varieties from several countries outside of the affected regions of Africa, hinting at the existence of various conspiracies, alluding to the Arabic etymology of the word “coffee,” and debating with himself on the relative merits of doughnuts and biscotti—but reporters who were present could not agree on what he said, or even if it made any sense.

In related news stories, futures for Jamaican Blue Mountain and Hawaiian Kona rose promptly, while stock sales of Pan Pharmaceutical Limited and Smith Kline Beecham (the manufacturers of No-Doz and Vivarin, respectively) remain somnolent, showing little signs of emerging anytime soon.

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